On Monday, November 22, 2004, Denman Fitness Div 5 played against Sport Central. This is the write-up from the next day:
(* Note: This entire missive is to be read to the tune of “Buttercup” by The Foundations. Lyrics by S. Codrington can be found below for posterity.)
Why don’t you fill me up? I’ll tell you why: because it’s war out there. Fine, we’ll share a beer after but when we’re on the court don’t expect me to be your buddy. I won’t be pointing out the fact that your shoelace are untied okay? Are we clear? Good.
Turns out it was a home game. Cool. I guess I don’t need a ride after all. Thanks.
Position 5 > Mayday (John) Malone vs the Irwin Wall
This is one that I truly wish I’d seen. For those of you who don’t know, Bob Irwin has been playing squash since the Cretaceous age. (In fairness, he began playing competitively in the late Campanian period Ed.) One of my favourite squash tales involves my good friend Andrew Stalony (TV’s “Chachi” Ed.) who met Bob TWICE at a tournament at Jericho. Both times I coached him to stop playing the ball into the middle where Bob roosts. “Try a drop shot,” I suggested. All to no avail. So what happened to “Mayday”? He won the first game 9-0! And the second 9-8 (just gotta love those one point sets.) Then John apparently forgot how to execute a dropshot and the balls got looser and they seemed to be sucked into the middle. Didn’t they John? Oh crap. The Irwin Wall won 3-2. Mayday? Yes: S.O.S!
SCORE: Them: 3 >> Us: 2
Position 4 > Captain Codpiece (Stephen Codrington) vs Little James Mitchell
I was marking at the time, but I had no doubt that the captain would pull this one out. I’ve won a few games against Mitchell and Stephen’s been listening to his sensei lately. I mean REALLY listening! He’s even wearing his headband the same way as Mr. Miatchy. Stephen won the first game 9-2 before allowing his ego to usurp all his senses and calling two one point extra sets in a row. Guess what? He ain’t no Jonathon Power lost both of them 9-8. Eeeouchy. Me so sad. Anyone remember the fourth game? Nope. Flames he went down in: lost 9-3.
SCORE: Them: 6 >> Us: 3
Position 3 > Robert Haliburton Esq. vs Byron Coultard
The evening’s match, for me at least and not just cuz I was the ref. There’s something so endearing about Hack after he carves a chunk out of his opponent with his racquet. It’s not so much that he’s really sorry he hit you I think it’s just that he doesn’t like the sound:) And he’ll look up at the ref and grimace like he’s truly distressed. Yeh, right. Think the name “Hack” just fell from the sky? Is it any wonder why the Captain wants to change his nickname to “Buttercup”? (By the way “Badass Buttercup” is my new fav.) Okay, the games: Robert won the first 9-7 then had a nap and lost 9-2. Eh? Yep. Then he lost a close one 9-6 and then it was the fourth and everything was on the line and he let the Alexis Sayle look alike get a freaking 8-0 headstart before he decided that he should actually get involved in the match and the whole time I’ve got Mayday behind me telling him to “take it one point at a time” and I’m wondering, as I’m reffing, if that’s good advice or if Hack’s just happy someone’s watching cuz the Captain’s not: he’s flirting with someone near the keg and then it’s over. Done. 9-4.
SCORE: Them: 9 >> Us: 4
Position 2 > Chucho vs Ben Gay (His name is “Brendan Gay”Ed.)
I played against this dood back in the day when I was in Division 9. Seems like a year ago now. Time, oh how she flies. And then I met him again in the second round of the Nationals and he was just as cocky: “Gonna give me a game Pacey?” Yeh, I beat him then and I also think I managed to make a squash fan out of my Dad that day. (He came to watch what, are you new?) So when I lost the first 9-2 I got to admit to being worried. Then I won the second game 9-3 and the ship was once again righted. I took a 6-0 lead in
the third before he mounted a referee-assisted come back. The ref, who shall go nameless (Musical interlude: “Why do you build me up. . .”) had a let before him and responded: “Well, I thought that ball was past you but you did say “Let” so, okay.” (Or words to that effect:) The next thing I know I’ve lost 9-10. “Mental toughness,” I heard Mr. Miatchy whisper in my ear. “The turtle is soft on the inside and hard on the outside.” I nodded, even though I didn’t understand the last maxim. “ReGruped” and won the fourth and then the fifth was quite simply handed to me. Weird.
SCORE: Them: 11 >> Us: 7
Position Uno > Mr. Miatchy (Mitch Tarr) vs Rick Blair
News of Chucho’s victory had travelled to court one and Mitch was determined not to fall behind in the team rankings. He did not disappoint, but I think he got a little scare. Yes? No? Rick came out blasting and won the first 9-7. I think he broke a couple of balls and did he ever have an answer for Mitch’s right court serve. It wasn’t until the end of the second that the wheat/chafe and cream/milk analogies started to be thrown about. Rick was slipping and Mitch was rising. BOOM! 9-7 for Mitch in the second. POW! 9-3 for Mitch in the third. Nothing left to do but pour a quick last pint and enjoy. Mental toughness personified: The Mizatche won the fourth 9-7. Rumour has it that Mitch won’t wear white dri fit (available online at your favourite website: http://www.scrusquash.com/homepage.shtml) because it doesn’t show the sweat effort that a dark gray cotton shirt does. True? You decide.
SCORE: Them: 12 >> Us: 10
Kudos: To Rob from Denman for hanging with us and buying us a couple of pitchers to drown our sorrowz!
>> Martin Laba Update: Martin was spotted carrying his racquet and it wasn’t being used as a crutch neither! “Three days away,” he told me. Better sharpen up people: his agent is apparently making overtures to the Captain about his spot.
>> Debi Grupe Update: Deb came to cheer us and Gomer on. She’s still listed “Day to Day” but I expect her to be back before the holidays.
>> Randy Winters Update: Still nursing the back.
>> Lyrics to Hack’s new theme song:
It’s time to build him up (Build him up)
Buttercup baby just to
Let us down (Let us down)
And mess the team around
And then worst of all (Worst of all)
Ya’never call let baby
When you say you will (Say you will)
But we love you still
We need you (We need you)
To score your three points
You have to play well from the start
So build him up (Build him up)
Buttercup
Don’t break our heart